Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
