I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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