Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
