Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
