why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
