Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
