come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
