I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
