oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
