There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think your dad took our porno
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
