Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
