You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he was CRYING into my vagina
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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