An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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