Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
