Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
