my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
