He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
