i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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