i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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