what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
