I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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