I accidentally had phone sex last night
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
