I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im holly from the hills drunk
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
