if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
