I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
