The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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