Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
there is glitter all over my balls
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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