I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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