Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
