I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also, beer. Big fan.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
