Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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