quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
