My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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