i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
