mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
