she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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