so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
