You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
