Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
