Someone shit on the floor
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
