Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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