so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dignity is for republicans.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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