saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
