remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
