I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
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I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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