You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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