apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
