i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need to calm my uterus...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
