4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
