She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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