I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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