you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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