I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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